OCTOBER 28, 2012
WEATHER FORCES ROMNEY TO SHIFT LYING TO OTHER STATES
CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—The threat of Hurricane Sandy has forced Republican nominee Mitt Romney's campaign to move its lying efforts from states in the path of the storm to others beyond the hurricane's reach.
Starting yesterday, the Romney campaign began reallocating lies originally intended for Virginia to other swing states such as Ohio and Wisconsin, the campaign confirmed today.
"An emergency situation like this really tests how good your ground game is," said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "Fortunately, we have liars in all fifty states."
But even as the Romney campaign expressed outward confidence about its ability to maintain an uninterrupted flow of whoppers, some Republicans privately feared that a major power outage could disrupt its ability to lie, distort, and exaggerate in the crucial days ahead.
"If Fox News gets knocked off the air in some of these states, we're certainly going to be down a quart in terms of falsehoods," one insider said.
But according to Vice-Presidential nominee Paul Ryan, who has been central to the campaign's lying efforts, the severe weather is a challenge that "separates the men from the boys."
"They're expecting winds of up to seventy miles per hour," he told reporters. "Fortunately, I can run eighty miles per hour."
In Indiana, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock weighed in on the approaching storm: "It says a lot about God that while he's so busy impregnating women he still somehow finds the time to make a hurricane."
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