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February 28, 2012
Santorum Proposes Replacing Church, State with New Entity Called 'Sturch'
Would Offer Salvation, Motor Vehicle Renewals on Sunday
LANSING (The Borowitz Report) – Telling a crowd of supporters that the separation of church and state "makes me want to throw up," GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed replacing church and state with a new entity he called "sturch."
"Merging church and state into sturch will benefit all Americans," he said. "Except maybe Jews."
Mr. Santorum said that the combined entity would offer greater convenience to the American people than the separation of church and state currently does, since Americans would be able to get salvation and motor vehicle renewals at the same place every Sunday.
Turning to another campaign theme, Mr. Santorum told the crowd, "I support the rights of the unborn child until it is born and wants an education."
He contrasted himself with President Obama on the education issue, stating, "Barack Obama speaks in complete sentences. What a snob."
In other campaign news, singer Kid Rock endorsed Mitt Romney, which means that his music is no longer the worst thing about Kid Rock.
An upbeat Mr. Romney visited the Daytona 500, where he told a reporter, "I love this stuff. I've always been a big NASDAQ fan."
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