Wednesday, April 1, 2026

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report borowitzreport@substack.com 
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Doug Mills-Pool/Getty Images

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly before Donald J. Trump was set to address the American people on Wednesday night, Iran declared that it would agree to end the war only if there was regime change in the United States.

"The United States is a rogue state led by an unstable ruler," the Iranian statement read. "Such a madman must not be allowed to possess nuclear weapons."

The Islamic Republic's ultimatum drew immediate and strong support from Greenland, Canada, and the rest of NATO.

At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt said only that Trump was well-rested for his televised address, having spent the day sleeping at the Supreme Court.



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Juan Matute
R.B.R.
C.C.R.C.


Something to Know - part 2, 1 April

This entire newsletter from Mary Geddry is what I tried, but failed, to communicate in my last message.   

Geddry's Newsletter a Publication of nGenium marygeddry@substack.com 
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7:38 AM (5 hours ago)
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A Shameful Retreat Painted as Victory

As Trump flails abroad and strains the Constitution at home, the real issue is whether the resistance is ready to seize the moment.

Apr 1
 
READ IN APP
 

Good morning! April Fool's Day arrived with Donald Trump doing what he does best: hovering around institutions he wants to dominate. He is set to attend Supreme Court arguments in the birthright citizenship case, because it is no longer enough for this administration to assault the Constitution from the executive branch; now it must also loom menacingly over the judiciary while the justices consider whether the 14th Amendment still means what it has meant for generations. The case itself is no small procedural scuffle. It goes straight to Trump's executive order aimed at ending automatic citizenship for children born in the United States to undocumented immigrants and some temporary visitors, which means the Court is being asked, in essence, whether one man's anti-immigrant obsessions can override a constitutional guarantee written in the aftermath of slavery and Dred Scott.

Really, unless Trump planned to stroll up to counsel table and deliver the oral argument himself, his presence serves no legal purpose at all. It reads instead as one more act of presidential intimidation theater, the political equivalent of a mob boss turning up in the back row to remind everyone whose interests are on the line. No sitting president attends Supreme Court arguments because presidents are not supposed to loom over the judiciary like they are checking on renovations at one of their casinos. Trump has never understood the difference between democratic institutions and buildings he would like to slap his name on.

Abroad, the administration's Iran debacle was acquiring the full hallucinatory texture of a world that now arrives pre-satirized. Markets were rallying on hopes the conflict might soon wind down even as the bombs kept falling, tankers were being hit, Tehran was under fire again, and Trump was off insulting NATO allies as though the central problem in the Middle East were insufficient European gratitude for his chaos. The Financial Times live coverage had the usual fever-dream quality of war reporting, financial reporting, and Trump coverage all crammed into the same bloodstream: investors cheering on whispers of de-escalation while the region remained on fire and global shipping still hung in the balance.

The New York Times made the deeper problem impossible to miss. Trump is now openly saying the United States will be out of Iran within two or three weeks, with the White House promising an evening address so he can no doubt stand before the cameras and attempt to sell strategic confusion as statesmanship. But the reporting shows an administration that looks like it is frantically workshopping a surrender speech with extra explosions. Rubio has apparently been sketching a narrower list of war aims that would allow Trump to declare success and crawl toward the exit, while Trump himself continues blurting out larger fantasies about regime change, total victory, and other strongman bedtime stories.

That gap between rhetoric and reality is where the rot really shows. Trump keeps claiming he has neutralized Iran's nuclear threat, but the reporting says there is no evidence the stockpile of near-bomb-grade uranium has actually been removed or destroyed. The administration appears to be doing what it always does when reality intrudes: quietly shrinking the definition of winning until it is small enough to fit inside the available lie. The original case for war was the nuclear threat. Now that the nuclear material apparently remains, aides are redefining success downward so Trump can strut away from the wreckage in one of those grotesque made-for-TV exits he mistakes for history.

This is beginning to look exactly like what it is: a shameful retreat spray-painted gold and sold as victory. Just a disorderly climb-down wrapped in patriotic stage lighting. Trump appears desperate to claim he has already won, while the facts on the ground suggest a region still destabilized, core objectives unmet, and allies left to deal with the fallout. The old con remains intact: create a disaster, fail to achieve the original goal, then announce success while backing away from the smoking crater.

And what makes it worse is that this crisis did not spring from nowhere. One of the more useful pieces circulating today argued bluntly that the real beginning of this war was not the latest bombing campaign, but Trump's decision to tear up Obama's Iran deal in 2018. That agreement, whatever its imperfections, imposed real constraints, real inspections, and real limits on Iran's program. Trump trashed it because Barack Obama's name was on it, promised a bigger and better replacement because of course he did, delivered absolutely nothing, and now appears eager to retreat from a conflict made more likely by his own vanity and sabotage. That is the deeper scandal is not that he is just fleeing a war, but trying to flee the consequences of his own earlier wrecking spree while still demanding applause on the way out.

In Europe, the message is being received with all the enthusiasm of dinner guests watching the host set the curtains on fire and then hand them the extinguisher. Britain is now reportedly hosting talks among 35 countries on how to reopen the Strait of Hormuz after Trump signaled the United States may simply leave the war without securing the waterway. Imagine setting the neighborhood ablaze, insulting the fire department, and then announcing that everyone else should probably go get their own hoses. That is roughly where American leadership now stands. It is not the posture of an empire at the height of its competence. It is the posture of an arsonist informing the block association that he will not be staying for cleanup.

Back home, the corruption machine kept humming in its usual key of grotesque absurdity. The Justice Department is reportedly struggling to figure out how to respond to Trump's lawsuit demanding at least $10 billion from the IRS, an agency he oversees, over the leak of his tax returns to The New York Times in 2020. Trump argues the agency failed to stop former contractor Charles Littlejohn from disclosing the records, even though Littlejohn has already been prosecuted and imprisoned for the leak, and even though the disclosure itself plainly did not destroy Trump politically, since he went on to win the presidency anyway. The result is an exquisite ethical spectacle: the federal government must now decide how to defend itself against the man who runs it. Officials are reportedly debating delay tactics, conflict workarounds, and outside counsel possibilities, and may ultimately have to consult Trump himself on how the government should respond to Trump's own suit. You would reject this plotline as too on-the-nose if it appeared in a mediocre streaming drama about democratic collapse. Yet here we are, watching the state get bent once again into a personal indemnity machine for one man's grievances, appetites, and revenge fantasies.

There was also a small but satisfying hiccup in Trump's ongoing attempt to redecorate the republic in his own image: a judge ordered work stopped on the $400 million White House ballroom he wants to build where the East Wing used to be. It turns out you cannot just tear chunks off a national landmark, funnel in money from loyalists and corporations, and call it statesmanship. Sometimes even authoritarian kitsch still has to clear permitting.

Taken together, these stories reveal something important about this moment. Trump is not strong in the way authoritarians like to project strength. He is loud, vindictive, theatrical, and still terrifyingly dangerous, yes. But strong? This is a presidency straining to maintain the image of domination even as the underlying machinery groans, sputters, and contradicts itself. Anyone who has to hover over Supreme Court arguments to project strength is not secure. Neither is a president who keeps shrinking his war aims so he can back away without saying he is backing away. And a regime whose own Justice Department cannot answer its leader's personal shakedown without twisting itself into constitutional knots is plainly not at ease. These are the symptoms of a system under strain.

Moments of strain are when pro-democracy movements either find their courage or waste their opening. As activists, we should be honest about what this moment offers. Trump looks weak because he is weak, though not harmless. He looks cornered because he has created too many crises to manage cleanly. The temptation, naturally, is to answer that weakness with sheer energy: more marches, more outrage, more glorious talk of general strikes, more cathartic public fury. All of that has its place. But pressure without demands creates noise. Pressure with demands creates leverage.

That has been the missing piece in far too much of the conversation. What, exactly, do we want in return? What are the terms under which democratic resistance knows it is succeeding? If the answer is only "not this," the opposition will always be reactive, forever chasing the latest outrage while power adapts. If, however, the answer becomes concrete and expansive at the same time, then resistance starts to look less like permanent defense and more like democratic construction.

The idea of a new Bill of Rights matters so much right now. This administration has shown us, in painful detail, where our old guarantees were too weak, too narrow, too conditional, or too easily ignored. It has exposed how fragile due process can become when cruelty is policy, how quickly equal protection can be narrowed by ideology, how vulnerable voting rights remain, how brittle truth itself becomes when propaganda captures institutions, and how utterly unserious our governing system still is about protecting the living world on which every other freedom depends. We should not be fighting merely to tape the old order back together and pray the leaks slow down. We have to build something stronger than what failed.

The answer to authoritarianism cannot simply be nostalgia for the old rules, because the old rules were already failing too many people and too much of the living world. A real democratic resistance should be bold enough to imagine a new Bill of Rights, one born from everything this administration has revealed about cruelty, impunity, ecological destruction, and institutional weakness, and one expansive enough to protect both human freedom and the rights of nature to exist, thrive, and naturally evolve. That would give the resistance a destination worthy of the danger of this moment. Not just endless triage, or just "please stop." A clear destination.

That, ultimately, is how to take advantage of Trump at his weakest. Not by merely mocking him, though heaven knows he makes it easy. Not by staging resistance as a form of national group therapy. But by identifying peaceful tools that create pressure and tying them to clear democratic goals that the public can understand, measure, and rally around. Protest. Boycott. Strike where possible. Refuse normalization. Force defections. Demand accountability. Build institutions that can outlast the man. Name the concessions. Name the reforms. Name the future. In earlier posts, I've offered a draft framework for a new Bill of Rights as one possible starting place for that conversation, a way to think seriously about what must be protected, reaffirmed, and newly recognized if democracy is to survive this era. That framework is in the archives, and if it would help move this discussion forward, I'm happy to repost it simply as a conversation starter.

This is the part the authoritarians never fully understand: weakness at the top only matters if there is something organized below it, something morally serious enough and politically clear enough to exploit the opening. Trump is giving the country an extraordinary education in corruption, cruelty, and collapse. The question now is whether the resistance will settle for outrage, or whether it will seize this moment to articulate what democracy must become after him. Carpe momentum. Not someday, not after one more scandal, not after one more election cycle, not after permission arrives from the people who helped create this mess. Now. While the cracks are visible. While the performance of strength is faltering. While people can still be persuaded that a different future must be built. That is our real work now.




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Juan Matute
R.B.R.
C.C.R.C.


Something to Know - 1 April

Today is the perfect day for the Fool of a President to try and explain what he is doing with his war.   He declared it a few weeks ago, stated his reason and conditions, and now he is saying he won and is leaving.  Is he really leaving, or is this his April Fools joke?   He accomplished nothing, he failed on every condition upon his reasons for a war.   He failed on everything.   If he considers regime change - that did not happen, unless he fixes that on killing one Ayatollah, and getting a more militant one in his place.   He did not consult with any allies, on going in, and now he says it's up to them to fix it, not him.   This is just like he ran all the other businesses into the ground before he got the the Oval Toilet.  However this method of declaring bankruptcy won't work this time.   He is buried in law suits at every level, and his spines of foam in Congress are going to be voted out of office, and he will be gone and leaving a disrupted global economy in his wake.   For the first time in my life, I can say that I am not proud to be an American.  Why should I?  What has he done other than trash our Democracy and Consitution?   He is even threatening to take away my right to vote, and my ethnicity is in danger of being kicked out.   Stay tuned to see the fool tonight, or at least wake up tomorrow morning with the lies of the night before.


Trump Says U.S. Will Be Out of Iran Within Two to Three Weeks

The White House said the president would address the nation about Iran on Wednesday evening.

Listen · 6:29 min
President Trump, wearing a dark suit and red tie, waves from the top of stairs leading into a plane.
President Trump told reporters on Tuesday that he had attained his goal of dealing with Iran's nuclear program and that gasoline prices in the United States would be coming down.Credit...Tierney L. Cross/The New York Times
March 31, 2026

President Trump said on Tuesday that the United States would wrap up its military campaign in Iran in two or three weeks, and the White House said he would address the nation about the war on Wednesday evening.

"We will be leaving very soon," Mr. Trump told reporters in the Oval Office.

It was not immediately clear what message Mr. Trump intended to deliver in his national address, and he has left open the potential for escalating military action. But he and top aides have increasingly been suggesting that he sees justification for claiming to have achieved his main objectives and would like to extricate the United States from the conflict.

Karoline Leavitt, the White House press secretary, said Mr. Trump would be providing "an important update" on the war.

Mr. Trump told reporters that he had attained his goal of dealing with Iran's nuclear program and that gasoline prices in the United States would come down as soon as the United States ended the conflict, which he said would be soon. Dealing with the effective closure of the Strait of Hormuz, choking off the global energy trade, was a problem for other countries to deal with, Mr. Trump said.


In a video published on Tuesday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio sought to make the case that Mr. Trump had succeeded in his primary goal of keeping Iran from being able to build a nuclear weapon. But Mr. Rubio's argument was built on the assertion that degrading Iran's conventional weapons was enough to keep Tehran from building a bomb.

"That is the goal of this operation, to destroy their conventional missiles and their drone program so they can't hide behind it," Mr. Rubio said.

Image
Two boys on a beach.
The effective closure of the Strait of Hormuz has choked off the global energy trade.Credit...Ismaeel Naar/The New York Times

But even as the administration sent signals of de-escalation, Mr. Trump has left open the possibility of military escalation as U.S. forces continue to reach the region.

While Mr. Trump has touted that the military has hit more than 11,000 targets, Iran still has near-bomb-grade nuclear material at the Isfahan site. The president is weighing whether to approve a risky operation to seize or destroy the material.


Mr. Trump has also floated the idea of invading or attacking Kharg Island, the heart of Iran's oil export capacity in the Persian Gulf, or seizing other islands in the gulf to help restore the flow of shipping through the Strait of Hormuz, which Iran has used as a choke point for Middle East oil shipments.

At the same time, Mr. Trump continues to suggest that a negotiated settlement with Tehran is possible, though not necessary for the United States to step back from the war that it has been waging alongside Israel for the last month.

But Mr. Trump has yet to fully achieve many of the goals he set out when he entered the conflict, including ousting the theocratic government in Iran and ensuring that it could never achieve a nuclear weapon. Nor has he resolved problems created by the war, including the effective closure of the Strait of Hormuz and the increased regional instability caused by Iran's missile attacks on neighboring countries.

Mr. Rubio on Monday stated four goals for the war in interviews with ABC News and Al Jazeera. An official State Department account posted on social media a video clip from one of the interviews and a bullet-point list of the goals, saying: "You should write them down."

The goals were the destruction of Iran's air force, the destruction of its navy, the "severe diminishing" of its capability to launch missiles, and the destruction of its factories.

Absent from the list are some of the goals that Mr. Trump has stated recently: "regime change," seizing Iran's oil, forcing the Iranian military to allow ships through the Strait of Hormuz and completely eradicating Iran's nuclear program, which includes stockpiles of highly enriched uranium buried in underground sites that were struck by American bombs last summer.

Mr. Rubio's list of four goals — all conventional and relatively modest — was similar to a list of three objectives he put out on March 9, in the second week of the war, with two notable differences: the addition of the destruction of Iran's air force, and also a walking back of an earlier stated goal to "destroy their ability to launch missiles." The new phrase, "severe diminishing" of that capability, indicates that U.S. officials no longer think it is feasible to completely destroy Iran's missile program.

In laying out the four goals, Mr. Rubio appeared to be giving Mr. Trump an off-ramp that the president could decide to take. Mr. Trump could say the United States had achieved the goals and end U.S. combat operations, even if Israel, Saudi Arabia and some other Arab nations in the region are pressing him to continue the conflict until the violence forces a deeper structural change to Iran's government and leadership.

"We will achieve those objectives," Mr. Rubio said on Al Jazeera about the four goals. "We are well on our way or ahead of schedule. We will achieve them in weeks, not months."

But White House officials, including Ms. Leavitt, the press secretary, have reiterated the president's more expansive goals of dismantling Iran's missile and drone production infrastructure, weakening their proxies and preventing Iran from ever obtaining a nuclear weapon.


On Tuesday, Mr. Trump said the United States had already accomplished "regime change," even though a theocratic leadership that is authoritarian and anti-American remains in place.

"We've knocked out one regime, then we knocked out the second regime," Mr. Trump said. "Now we have a group of people that are very different, they are much more reasonable, I think, much less radicalized. We have had regime change."

If Mr. Trump does follow through on his threat to end the military campaign without reopening the Strait, he will leave the global economy in disarray. Oil prices have skyrocketed around the world, including in the United States, and European officials are urging countries to cut back on energy use.

But Mr. Trump, who said on Tuesday that "all I have to do is leave Iran" for oil prices to drop, has put the onus on other countries, including NATO allies, to reopen the strait.

"Build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT," he wrote on Truth Social on Tuesday morning. "You'll have to start learning how to fight for yourself, the U.S.A. won't be there to help you anymore, just like you weren't there for us. Iran has been, essentially, decimated. The hard part is done. Go get your own oil!"

Tyler Pager is a White House correspondent for The Times, covering President Trump and his administration.

Edward Wong reports on global affairs, U.S. foreign policy and the State Department for The Times.




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Juan Matute
R.B.R.
C.C.R.C.