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From: The Borowitz Report <borowitzreport@substack.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 5, 2026 at 15:28
Subject: Leavitt Joins Fox in Hopes of Becoming Defense Secretary
To: <juanma2t@gmail.com>

Monday evening, from room 499B at Pomona Valley hospital. One extra night after at successful knee replacement operation, because of my age (85) a teensy-tiny aneurysm. Just had my normal tasteless institutional dinner. Now looking forward to the tools of medical chemistry and ice to help me make it through the night. Buenas Noches!

͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏

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Leavitt Joins Fox in Hopes of Becoming Defense Secretary

Andy Borowitz

Oct 5

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Alex Wong/Getty Images

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced on Monday that she was joining Fox News Channel as a stepping-stone to becoming Secretary of Defense.

Leavitt said that only by becoming an on-air personality at Fox could she acquire the “warrior ethos” necessary to lead the world’s largest military.

“I’ve watched YouTube mascara tutorials and spent hours sampling blush at Sephora,” she said. “But if I’m going to launch unprovoked attacks on other countries, I need to put in the hard yards of getting my hair and makeup done at Fox.”

As for her stated reason for leaving the White House—a desire to be with her newborn—Leavitt said, “I spent enough time with my baby. Quite frankly, I’d had my fill of that working for President Trump.”