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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the government of Iran announced on Thursday that it would only reopen the Strait of Hormuz when he admits he lost the 2020 election.
“The whole world knows you lost, moron,” the official Iranian statement read. “Stop being such a fucking baby.”
In addition to an admission of defeat, Iran demanded that Trump agree that the disintegration of the Reflecting Pool’s lining was caused by his own “epic incompetence.”
Rounding out their list of demands, which they called “non-negotiable,” the Iranians insisted that Trump admit that his poll numbers are historically awful, that other world leaders regard him as a laughingstock, and that he is in only slightly better physical condition than Mitch McConnell.
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