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BETHESDA, MARYLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Kash Patel was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Monday after suffering what an FBI spokesman called the "severe trauma" of flying coach. Patel had been planning to take the FBI's Gulfstream G550 jet to a date-night rendezvous with his girlfriend, country singer Alexis Wilkins, but balked when he saw Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth at the cockpit controls. Booked onto a Spirit Airlines flight instead, Patel was reportedly already in a state of acute distress when a baby seated next to him projectile vomited on his signature FBI raid jacket. A just-released New York Times/Siena College poll shows Patel's job approval at 13 percent, and the baby's at 89 percent.
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Juan Matute
CCRC
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