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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ordered members of his Cabinet on Wednesday to start wearing three pairs of tube socks to make his ankles appear normal. At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to downplay Trump's demand, as well as his order that Cabinet members use a hammer to create bruises on the back of their hands. "The press has been trafficking in stories about the President's health which are entirely malicious and false," said Leavitt, black sweat socks protruding from her Ann Taylor slingbacks. According to sources, Trump has also mandated that Cabinet members periodically babble incoherently and fall down, a directive immediately embraced by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
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Juan Matute
The Harold Wilke House
Claremont, California
Humpty Trumpty Shat on His Wall
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