BEIJING (The Borowitz Report)—Mar-a-Lago descended into crisis on Wednesday after the proposed tariff on Chinese goods sent the price of a Trump Bible soaring from $60 to $1000. In a brief statement on the matter, Chinese President Xi Jinping said, "It is what it is." Acknowledging that Trump's supporters might be inconvenienced by the Holy Book's bloated price tag, Xi added, "Perhaps they should have googled 'tariff' before voting." In a panic, Trump is reportedly mulling a number of cost-cutting measures, including slashing the number of Commandments to five.
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Juan Matute
The Harold Wilke House
Claremont, California
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