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THE OCEAN DEEP (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his longstanding fear of being devoured by them "delusional thinking at its saddest," the world's sharks issued a statement on Tuesday disavowing "any interest whatsoever" in eating Donald J. Trump.
"Given his constant intake of Diet Coke and hamburgers, there is nothing to indicate that Trump would be anything resembling a nutritious meal," the sharks' statement read. "The very thought of biting into him is nauseating."
The sharks said that Trump's anxiety about being eaten by them demonstrates "an inflated sense of his appeal, to say the least."
"We thought the same thing when Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed he was eaten by a worm," the sharks wrote. "Why do these narcissists think they're so delicious?"
In perhaps their most withering comment, the sharks concluded, "We might consider eating Trump if the only other thing on the menu was Steve Bannon."
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