Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report borowitzreport@substack.com 

4:09 AM (5 hours ago)
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining his vote against birth control last week, Senator Tommy Tuberville said on Tuesday that he opposes contraception and all other words with more than one syllable.

"I saw that word 'contraception' and that was a quick 'no' vote for me," the Alabama lawmaker said. "Don't know what that means. Won't look it up."

Proud of his consistent opposition to polysyllabic words, Tuberville said, "Immigration. Education. Vaccination. No, no, no."

The senator said, however, that he would continue supporting one-syllable words such as guns and oil.

Summarizing his position, he said, "Short words good. Long words bad."

Juan Matute
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