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PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA (The Borowitz Report)—In what some political observers called a desperate attempt to salvage her political career, on Wednesday Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota declared that she also despises cats. "Over the past few weeks, the mainstream media has worked overtime to distort my disclosure about having shot and killed my dog," she said. "This has led many to believe, falsely, that I am a cat person." "Let me say this, loud and clear: As God is my witness, I hate cats, also," she said. Claiming that the number of cats in the U.S. has "skyrocketed" under Joe Biden, she issued a stark warning. "My message to America's cats is simple," she said. "You can run, but you can't hide. The United States of America is not your litter box."
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