Monday, April 8, 2024

Andy Borowitz

Apparently there is a momentary cease fire, in that tossing me off of full access is being delayed.   So......enjoy it for a little while:

Experts Warn That Staring at Eclipse May Cause Brain Damage


The Borowitz Report 

4:08 AM (3 hours ago)
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Nicholas Kamm/AFP

PATH OF TOTALITY (The Borowitz Report)—As millions of America await a rare celestial event, a leading brain scientist warns that staring at an eclipse without protective eyewear can lead to "severe and irreversible brain damage."

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who studies the impact of unfiltered eclipse-viewing on mental function, said that the powerful rays produced by the astronomical phenomenon "can pass through the viewer's eyes and literally cook his brain."

A person who has made the reckless and foolhardy mistake of looking directly at an eclipse is likely to exhibit "lack of impulse control leading to childish, tantrum-like outbursts," he said.

More troubling, however, is the impairment of the viewer's cognitive faculties. "He might no longer be able to correctly name the president, or even his own wife," Logsdon warned.

The scientist recommended that someone with an eclipse-ravaged brain be forbidden from engaging in certain activities, including "operating an automobile or farm equipment, or holding any position of power."

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