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PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—An ugly scene unfolded at Mar-a-Lago on Monday as an increasingly apoplectic Donald J. Trump watched the stock price of his newly listed Trump Media & Technology Group plummet. Incensed by CNBC's graph tracking his stock's dizzying descent, Trump uncapped a black Sharpie and started defacing the TV screen in a desperate attempt to halt the slide. After Eric Trump whined that his father was "wrecking the TV," the indicted businessman hurled the Sharpie at his son, disfiguring his forehead. Across the country, members of the MAGA movement who invested in Trump Media were reportedly in a state of shock that a company run by Donald Trump could lose money. Trump took to Truth Social to offer them an explanation for his stock's humiliating crash. "Everything is Going To Hell under JOE BIDEN!" he claimed. Meanwhile, in a sign of his fading fortunes, Trump has started calling his wife Mazda.
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― The Lincoln Project
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