Thursday, July 23, 2020

Andy Borowitz

For some reason, the Borowitz satire is not being alerted to my email, and that is why you have not seen much of his work.   So, I am having to put a reminder in my Google Calendar to check on it periodically.   So, I am going back a few installments, and putting them on this one mailing (without the picture).  Enjoy the humorous part of the detritus that the Blond Boor leaves behind:

Confused Federal Agents Unable 

to Determine Which Unmarked Van 

In D.H.S. Garage Is Theirs

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump's plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag, as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs.
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S. garage in Washington, fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van.

"It's like a baggage-claim nightmare," the agent complained. "Many unmarked vans look alike."

Although sending unmarked vans to cities "seemed like a really cool idea at first," the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to "maybe think about going with marked vans instead," the frustrated agent said.
Speaking to reporters, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that agents' inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been "exaggerated," and added that he was working with the D.H.S. laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents' unmarked uniforms.


In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules 

He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.

After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.

In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump's decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
"At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental," she said.


Trump Says He Will Eventually Be 

Right About the Coronavirus Going 

Away When There Is No Human Life Left on Planet

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth.

Speaking to Chris Wallace on "Fox News Sunday," Trump said that, once there are no living humans left for it to infect, "like I have said before, the virus will just disappear, like a miracle."

"The virus isn't stupid," Trump said. "It wants to infect people. And when there are no people left to infect, it's not going to hang around doing nothing. It's going to go away. And then I'll be right."


I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

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