Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Andy Borowitz

Study: No One Could Have Seen 

Pandemic Coming Except 

People Capable of Reading

Donald Trump.
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic 
coming except for people who are capable of reading, a new study indicates.
The study, published by the University of Minnesota, is highly critical of the current 
early-warning system for global pandemics, which requires that a person have the 
literacy necessary to read, comprehend, and digest a memo.

"In order to see a pandemic coming, one would have to read and also understand the words, 
sentences, and paragraphs that compose a typical memo," Professor Davis Logsdon, the author 
of the study, said. "And some of these memos can run two, three, even four pages in length."

For someone who does not typically read, and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day 
watching television, "A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks."
Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current "reading-centric" early-warning 
system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics.
"Right now, the lives of millions depend upon one person not being illiterate," he said. 
"That's setting the bar awfully high."


Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

- Kris Kristofferson

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