WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony
Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump's mouth.
Fauci was responding to a question from CNN's Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed
virologist had a timetable for when Trump's mouth could be reopened without endangering
"The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress," Fauci
said. "Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works."
"We don't want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and
creating even worse problems than we have now," Fauci added.
Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, "For the sake of argument,
could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?"
"In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake," Fauci said.