The Juan Percent

Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol 

May Help People Survive 

Coronavirus Briefings

By Andy Borowitz

Photograph by Drew Angerer / GettyWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a "promising development," Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.

Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.

"What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering," Fauci said.
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, "Consider yourself lucky."

But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. "The effect of this medication is temporary," he said. "Sadly."

Fauci's findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.

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Juan

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

- Kris Kristofferson