OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago, the passengers confirmed on Monday.
Frustrated by the Trump Administration's delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark, the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was "only fair" that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home.
"Donald Trump keeps on saying that he's not worried about coronavirus," the passengers' spokesman said. "Then he shouldn't object to three thousand of us living with him."
The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style, which includes golf, swimming, and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room.
At the White House, Trump said that, if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago, they should stay as far away from him as possible, "like Melania does when she's down there."
The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy, drooping eyelids, and other flu-like symptoms turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson.
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.