Photograph by Kamil Krzaczynski / AFP / GettyMEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States "effective immediately" after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump's pardons from crossing into their country.
"They're bringing bribery, they're bringing tax evasion, they're bringing racketeering," Obrador said. "I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.Obrador said that border agents had been given "special instructions" to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called "El Blago."
"If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats," Obrador said. "He is a dangerous man."
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. "I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet," he said. (happy birthday, brother)
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