WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation's capital, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced on Monday that the United States Senate would be closed until the year 2021, "for repainting."
Calling the current state of the Senate's paint job "a national disgrace," McConnell said that repainting the Senate was "the most urgent problem facing our democracy today."
"The Democrats can waste their time with all their usual hijinks and tomfoolery, but I cannot stand idly by and watch the walls of this hallowed chamber grow dingy and chipped," McConnell said.
The Kentucky Republican said that he had not yet selected the shade of white to be used to repaint the Senate, but aides indicated that he had narrowed the choices to Ivory, Seashell, and Mascarpone.
Although the proposed paint job would require the Senate to be on recess for the next fifteen months, McConnell could not guarantee that that would give Republican senators enough time to read the whistle-blower's complaint.