WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. "It's unacceptable that this so-called news organization saw fit to foist this total tease of a clip on the American public," said Miller, who expressed frustration that the audio, in which 10 detained Central American children can be heard crying out for their parents, ended before reaching "the really good stuff." "Sure, they're wailing 'Mami' and 'Papa' so hard they can't breathe, and I guess the part where that 6-year-old desperately rattles off her aunt's phone number is kind of satisfying, but ultimately it only conveys a very small fraction of what we're doing here. I've listened to this recording dozens and dozens of times in the past day, and it's just simply nowhere near enough to scratch the itch. Shame on you, ProPublica." Miller added that the one silver lining was the likelihood that other outlets would soon broadcast hours of comprehensive, high-quality footage of immigrant children being tormented.
WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department's "zero tolerance" policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn't allow him to strangle immigrants with his bare hands. "Simply put, I am forced to tear kids away from their parents, because I am legally prohibited from throttling immigrants until their bodies go limp," said Sessions, asserting that the practice of locking children away in cages and deporting their parents before they can be reunited would be reversed as soon as the law was updated to permit the attorney general to press his thumbs deep into migrants' windpipes as he watches the life fade from their eyes. "Look, I want to see these poor immigrants dead as much as the next guy, but it's simply out of my control. I agree that it's a huge tragedy that I cannot snuff the life out of these migrants together as entire families, but I have a moral duty to follow the law as written." At press time, Sessions called on Democrats to stop their obstructionist tactics and pass legislation granting him the ability to pin down each individual in the immigrant families and suffocate them one by one.
"We, as human beings, have the capacity for extreme cruelty."