Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Andy Borowitz

Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump's Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump's Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.

At a press conference at the network's headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the "Fox & Friends" co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.

"The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world," Hannity said. "However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of."

Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking "full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust" to craft Trump's Syria response. "The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop," she said.

Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. "Mr. President, we'll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours," he said. "Don't change the channel."

Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson

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