Trump Orders Parade to Celebrate His Hypothetical Act of Heroism in Florida School
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.
"Anyone can act with bravery in the moment," Trump told reporters in the White House. "But it takes a very special kind of hero to tell people about the incredibly brave thing he would have done weeks after the thing happened."
He added that it was one of his greatest regrets that bone spurs prevented him from serving in the Vietnam War, "because the really courageous things I would have done during that war would have been off the charts."
"As soon as the Tet Offensive happened, I would have run unarmed right into that mess," he said. "We probably would have won the war right after I did that."
Trump said that the parade he was ordering would honor not only him but all of America's "last responders."
According to a new poll, Trump's assertion that he would have run into the Florida high school unarmed was believed by his daughter Ivanka.