Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Andy Borowitz

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Proofreads State of the Union One Last Time to Remove Any Remaining Facts

Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is proofreading the text of tonight's State of the Union address one last time to remove any remaining facts, Sanders confirmed on Tuesday.

While a team of wordsmiths led by the senior adviser Stephen Miller has attempted to craft an entirely fact-free address, "It's good to have a fresh set of eyes to root out any stray accuracies that might have crept in," Sanders said.

The press secretary said that, for example, while purging the speech of truths, she noticed a reference to the African-American unemployment rate standing at 6.8 per cent, a statistic that she deemed "unacceptably correct."

"I read that and my Sanders sense started tingling," she said.

Taking her blue pencil to the text, Sanders changed the number to a "better-sounding" 2.3 per cent. "That may seem like a tiny detail, but it's stuff like that that separates the professional liars from the mere amateurs," she said.

Once Sanders is confident that she has obliterated any lingering traces of reality from the script, she will forward it to Donald J. Trump, who will insert misspellings. "It makes him more comfortable reading it on the teleprompter if things are spelled his way," she said.

The prospect of delivering tonight's speech appears to have energized Trump, who tweeted early Tuesday morning that he was "very much looking forward to the Steak of the Onion."

Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson

No comments:

Post a Comment