WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a unique accord, the billionaire Koch brothers and the National Rifle Association have reached a timeshare
agreement over the ownership of House Speaker Paul Ryan, representatives of both parties have confirmed.
Speaking on behalf of the Kochs, Charles Koch said that he contacted the N.R.A.'s executive director, Wayne LaPierre, with the timeshare
proposal "so that we could all get the maximum enjoyment out of owning Paul."
The arrangement is intended to minimize conflicts between the Kochs and the gun group that have arisen in the past when both co-owners
have wanted to use Ryan at the same time, Koch said.
"I said to Wayne, 'This is craziness,' " he said. " 'Let's work something out where you get Paul half the year, and we'll take him the other half.'
"Under the timeshare deal, the Kochs will have the exclusive use of Ryan during the months when tax cuts and environmental deregulation are
put to a vote, while the N.R.A. will have him for the months when gun legislation is to be defeated.
Additionally, each co-owner is responsible for insuring that Ryan is well maintained and in good condition when the other's period of using him commences.
Koch indicated that, if the timeshare agreement is a success, the two parties are likely to work out a similar deal for their longtime joint ownershi
p of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson