WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has requested that Jesus Christ rapture him up before the special counsel Robert Mueller
can indict him, a source close to Pence confirmed on Friday.
Shortly after the former national-security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the F.B.I., Pence contacted Jesus to discuss the early
rapture proposal, the source said. The source characterized Pence's request to be raptured up as "urgent" but did not indicate whether the
Vice-President asked Jesus to rapture up any other senior Administration officials.
"Some of these people will have to be left behind, for obvious reasons," the source said. "Jared, for example."
After the news of Pence's conversation with Jesus leaked to the press, the Vice-President released an official statement, intended to tamp
down speculation about his rapture request.
"I had a good conversation with Jesus Christ earlier in the day," the statement read. "We touched on the timetable of my rapturing-up, along
with a broad range of other issues. That is all I have to say at the present time."
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson