Eight Hundred Thousand People with Dreams to Be Deported by One with Delusions
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Eight hundred thousand people with dreams will be deported by one person with delusions, sources confirmed on Tuesday.
According to reports, U.S. residents who have obtained advanced degrees, served in the military, and saved people from Hurricane Harvey will be kicked out of the country by a man who believes that his microwave is spying on him.
"Under this new decision, if you have worked hard, gone to school, and contributed to the country, you face immediate deportation," one legal expert said. "On the other hand, if you can prove that you have a glaring personality disorder and a flimsy grasp on reality, you can decide the fate of those other people."
The delusional man defended his controversial decision late Tuesday afternoon, accompanied by several key voices in his head.
"The people I am deporting are parasites who have exploited our economy," the man, who has declared bankruptcy six times, said.
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson