Andy borowitz

Satire from The Borowitz Report

Trump Says Mueller Just Called Him and Said He's the Most Innocent Person Ever

By Andy Borowitz

Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel, Robert Mueller, just called Donald Trump to tell the President that he was "the most innocent person ever," Trump told reporters on Thursday.

"It was the middle of the afternoon, and he just picked up the phone to say how innocent I was," Trump said. "He said I was the most innocent person he'd ever come across, and maybe in history."

"He said he had been over all of the evidence and that he and his staff would spend hours just looking at each other in amazement at about how unbelievably innocent I was," he said.

Trump said that he asked Mueller why, in his opinion, the media had reported so many stories about his campaign colluding with Russians. "Bob said to me, 'Are you talking about the failing New York Times and CNN?' " Trump reported. " 'They have been very unfair to you. They are bad (or sick) people. Sad!' That's what Bob said to me."

The conversation wound down with a series of "pleasantries," Trump said, with Mueller complimenting him on the size of his 2016 victory, including his enormous win in New Hampshire.

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Juan
 

Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.

- Adlai Stevenson