Satire from The Borowitz Report
Jeff Sessions Urges Melania to Work Harder on Campaign to Stop Cyberbullying
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that the problem "is far worse than I imagined," Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Wednesday urged First Lady Melania Trump to intensify her campaign against cyberbullying.
Speaking to reporters from his office at the Justice Department, Sessions said that, whatever Mrs. Trump had done to eliminate the scourge of cyberbullying, "It clearly has not been enough."
"From my perspective, cyberbullying is very much a growing problem," he said. "And with every passing day it gets worse and worse."
Sessions said that, while he understands that Mrs. Trump has many other responsibilities as First Lady, "anything you can do to get cyberbullying to stop will be very much personally appreciated by me."
"Please help," he said, his voice quavering.
In an official statement released later in the day, the First Lady said that she had "kind of forgotten" about her campaign to stop cyberbullying but that she would "get right on it."
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson