The Borowitz Report
Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.
Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty and he had gone into shock.
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, a physician at Walter Reed who is monitoring McConnell's condition, called his low white-vote count "very serious."
"Mitch McConnell needs a white-vote count of at least fifty in order to function," he said. "If it falls below fifty and stays there for an extended period of time, he cannot survive."
Efforts to boost the Senate Majority Leader's white-vote count have so far proved fruitless, as doctors acknowledged that they have been unable to find additional white votes that are compatible with McConnell.
McConnell was first rushed to Walter Reed after showing symptoms commonly associated with a low white-vote count, including a feeling of hopelessness and uncontrollable sobbing.
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson