Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Andy Borowitz


The Spineless Congress Souffle

  • Assemble 535 congressional vertebrate creatures,
  • Separate the lot into two separate piles. The Progressive Vertebrates and the Regressive Vertebrates
  • Return to Progressives to their original container.
  • With what is left, delicately fillet and carefully remove the bony spine from each Regressive.
  • After the Regressives have been processed, place them all into a large flat pan
  • Into this same pan, add sufficient finely ground detritus from pork barrel swill to cover all the Regressive matter, and then fold in the mixture of corporate lobbyists and false promises, and blend until tax loopholes are completely invisible.
  • Place the mix into a pan well greased with corruption and 1% grade greed.
  • Place processed mix into the oven.
  • Do not turn on the heat.  Just leave it all in the oven and open and check every 2-year cycle or 6-year cycle, and make adjustments as needed when the ingredients change.
  • When the stench in the oven becomes unbearable, turn on the gas for the oven.  Wait 10-minutes and then strike the match.
  • The ensuing explosion will then constitute a reason to revisit the original congressional menu items.


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Senate's confirmation of Betsy DeVos as Education Secretary means that immigrants will be the nation's only reliable source of educated people going forward, education experts said on Tuesday.

Under DeVos, according to Davis Logsdon, the dean of the University of Minnesota's School of Education, the U.S. will have to "drastically increase its inflow of immigrants" if it wants people capable of performing even the simplest tasks.

"Most of our industries require people who can read, write, and do arithmetic, even in a rudimentary way," he said. "The Senate just shot that to hell."

With DeVos running the Department of Education, Logsdon said, millions of American students "will graduate from high school each year without mastering any useful skills—in other words, much like DeVos herself."

The spectre of an economy plagued by workers "operating at a DeVos level of sub-proficiency" means that the United States will need to do everything in its power to attract educated immigrants to its shores, he said.

Logsdon did not offer a complete list of countries with people whom the U.S. should try to lure, but he said that a partial list would include Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Somalia, and Libya.


"The Bannon-led White House 'new rules' commands that everybody now has their own way of interpreting whether a fact is true or not" 

- Anonymous Administration Leaker

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