NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a positive development for the Democratic nominee for President, a new poll released on Sunday reveals that likely voters find an unconscious Hillary Clinton "substantially more fit" to be President than a conscious Donald Trump.
In a hypothetical matchup between a Clinton who has been rendered completely unconscious and a fully sentient Trump, voters chose an inert Clinton over an ambulatory Trump by a margin of nine percentage points.
A spokesperson for the Clinton campaign hailed the findings. "We have every reason to believe that Hillary Clinton will be a fully conscious President," the spokesperson said. "But even if she is not, she is still the far better choice."
The same poll revealed that a broad majority of voters found an unconscious Donald Trump more fit to be President than a conscious one.
Finally, when asked about the Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson, a significant number of voters were undecided as to whether Johnson was conscious or unconscious.
Donald Trump and the National Rifle Association aid and abet violence.
- An American Story