YOUNGSTOWN, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump lashed out at a new target on Monday, blaming his bad poll numbers on the existence of the numerical system.
In sometimes rambling remarks at an outdoor rally in Ohio, the Republican Presidential nominee called the numerical system "rigged" and unleashed a torrent of abuse on numbers themselves, calling them "disgusting" and "the lowest form of life."
"It's why I won't release my taxes," he said. "They're full of goddam numbers."
While Republican candidates in the past have attempted to exploit their supporters' distrust of math, Trump is believed to be the first nominee to call into question the numerical system itself.
Behind the scenes, G.O.P. insiders fretted that, in attacking the very existence of numbers, Trump was veering wildly off message.
"He should be talking about Hillary Clinton, and instead he's going off on integers," one insider said.
Officially, aides remained upbeat about the campaign and denied reports that Trump was spending an increasingly large portion of each day angrily muttering to himself and chewing on paper.
Donald Trump and the National Rifle Association aid and abet violence.
- An American Story