Andy Borowitz

BOROWITZ REPORT

APRIL 19, 2016

Nation's Racists Suddenly Warming Up to New York

BY ANDY BOROWITZ

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—America's racists, who have long viewed New York with a mixture of hostility, contempt, and fear, are suddenly feeling much more positive about the Empire State, a cross-section of racists confirmed on Tuesday night.

In interviews conducted shortly after 9 P.M., racists from coast to coast echoed the opinion of Fresno, California, bigot Harland Dorrinson, who remarked, "You know, maybe New York isn't such a bad place after all."

"I always thought that New York seemed like a hellhole to be avoided at all costs," Dorrinson said. "Now I'm thinking I might want to take the family there on vacation. Maybe even take in a few Broadway shows."

Like Dorrinson, Carol Foyler, a racist from Chattanooga, Tennessee, said her views about New York have suddenly improved. "The way the media portrays New York is totally unfair and biased," she said. "Until tonight I never would have known there were so many good people there."

Foyler also said she was now eager to visit the Empire State. "Speaking as a racist, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I would feel right at home in New York," she said.

Improving attitudes about New York were not limited to racists, however, as interviews on Tuesday night revealed a sudden warming toward the state among misogynists, xenophobes, and people who enjoy sucker-punching others in the face.

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Juan
 

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