BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—Thousands of Iraqis poured out into the streets to celebrate in the early hours of Sunday morning, as the threat of a third Bush Presidency was declared over at last.
Iraqis, on edge about the prospect of another Bush in the White House since former Governor Jeb Bush entered the race last year, had been watching returns from the South Carolina primary with a mixture of anxiety and cautious optimism.
Moments after the first evidence of Bush's dismal finish began trickling in, however, Iraqis roared with glee as spontaneous festivities erupted across the country.
Observers were stunned to see Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds dancing together in the streets, putting aside their enmity to celebrate an outcome that they never dreamed possible.
"You must understand, we Iraqis have been living with the fear of a third Bush Presidency for months now," Sabah al-Alousi, a Baghdad shoemaker, said. "Now we can begin to think about a future, for ourselves and our families."
Asked about the possibility of a Trump Presidency, he waved off the question. "This is the greatest day for my country," he said. "I will let nothing spoil this day."
The National Rifle Association aids and abets gun violence.