DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—In a major foreign-policy announcement on Wednesday, the Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson unveiled a detailed plan to Google Syria.
Speaking in Iowa, the retired neurosurgeon told an audience of supporters, "Any responsible policy on Syria must begin with a fact-finding mission, and such a mission must begin with Googling."
He said that "Google holds the key" to many questions about Syria. "Where is it? Who lives there? How many square miles is it? These are all things that have to be pinned down," he said.
Carson, who leads several Republican Presidential polls, said that while his search for answers would start with Google, he would "not rule out" seeking information at Wikipedia and beyond. "No Web site should be taken off the table at this time," he said.
In closing, he said that he had "no plans" to Google Egypt, since he was already extremely well versed in that nation's history.