WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has entered rehab to deal with his "struggles with nouns and verbs," an aide to the congressman has confirmed.
According to the aide, McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House because his difficulties with those two parts of speech had "spiralled out of control."
"There was an intervention, in which people who care about the congressman sat him down and showed him video of himself talking," the aide said. "He agreed that he needed help, although it took people awhile to realize that's what he was trying to say."
A source familiar with McCarthy's struggles, however, cast doubt on that official story. "It's not just nouns and verbs," the source said. "It's adjectives, adverbs, and pronouns. Kevin's going to be in rehab for awhile."
In a brief statement to reporters, McCarthy offered a blunt assessment of his situation. "It bad," he said. "But soon it be less badder."