CREDITPHOTOGRAPH BY DEANNA DENT/REUTERS VIA LANDOV
TEMPE, ARIZONA (The Borowitz Report)—After several days of controversy over whether he would have authorized an invasion of Iraq, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said on Thursday that the question was unimportant since it is now painfully clear that he will never be President.
"Look, I can understand people wanting to know where I stand on this Iraq business if I actually had a chance of being elected," he told an audience in Arizona. "But since I've pretty much pissed that away, what's the point, really?"
Bush urged those who sought out his opinion on policy matters to take a look at how poorly his campaign is going "and get a reality check about the odds of me ever being President, which are hovering in the vicinity of zero."
"I'm tied with Ben Carson in the polls, folks," he said. "You heard me. Ben-freaking-Carson. A neurosurgeon. If you're running in a Republican primary and can't beat a scientist, you might as well put a fork in it."
When asked by a reporter what he would do to grow the economy, Bush laughed ruefully and said, "Well, I guess if I said that I'd do exactly what my brother did and drive the whole thing straight into the crapper, you folks would have a field day with that, wouldn't you? But let's get serious. You want an answer to that question, ask someone who actually has a chance at winning this damn thing. I'm sure Scott Walker would love to talk to you good people."