TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was "sick and tired of having his medical credentials questioned," Governor Chris Christie (R-N.J.) had himself sworn in as a medical doctor on Sunday night.
Dr. Christie acknowledged that becoming a doctor generally requires pre-med classes, four years of medical school, plus additional years of residency, but he said that the Ebola epidemic compelled him to take "extraordinary measures, as we say in the medical profession." x Dr. Christie said that, beginning on Monday, he would begin a series of random "house calls" to check New Jersey residents for Ebola and assign them for quarantine. "I can usually diagnose someone with Ebola in under a minute," Dr. Christie said. "Even faster if I don't actually see them."
The doctor said that before moving forward with his plan to quarantine scores of New Jersey citizens he suspects of having Ebola, he consulted with other prominent epidemiologists, including Dr. Rick Perry, of Texas. "He concurs," he said.
Dr. Christie defended his quarantine plan against critics, noting that unorthodox procedures in medicine often face opposition at first. "We're used to hearing that the nurses and doctors who treat Ebola patients are heroes," he said. "But the real heroes are the people who lock up those heroes."
If anything else, the government's job is to protect the safety and health of our citizens. (so why is he so against Obama's Affordable Care Act?)