Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JULY 1, 2014




WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Telling Congress, "It's O.K., I don't mind doing everything myself," President Obama prepared to sign a passive-aggressive executive order on Tuesday.

While the President did not disclose details about the executive order, he told reporters, "I'm sure Congress is busy with a lot of other things and doesn't want to be bothered with stuff that's important to me. Really, they shouldn't give it a moment's thought. I'm happy to do the work of the entire government myself."

After news of the President's passive-aggressive executive order reached Capitol Hill, House Speaker John Boehner prepared a narcissistic reply.

"Instead of signing more executive orders, President Obama needs to recognize that everything that happens in this government must begin and end with me," he said.

At the White House, President Obama reacted to the Speaker's narcissistic statement with a strongly worded passive-aggressive response.

"I hope that I haven't troubled John Boehner in the slightest by sitting at my desk twenty hours a day doing the work of the entire country," he said, sighing heavily. "The last thing in the world that I want is anybody's help."

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
-- Conan O'Brien

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