TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie withdrew from consideration as a Presidential candidate today after becoming embroiled in what a leading Republican strategist called "a career-ending empathy scandal."
After signing a law barring licensed therapists from engaging in so-called gay conversion therapy, Mr. Christie stunned his fellow Republicans by seemingly expressing compassion for gay children, thus disqualifying himself from any further role in the G.O.P.
"Showing empathy for gays or children would have been bad enough," says Republican strategist Harland Dorrinson, one of many party leaders who called for Mr. Christie to withdraw. "But empathy for gay children is a flat-out betrayal."
In a brief statement to reporters, Mr. Christie expressed remorse for what he called "my unfortunate and ill-considered display of understanding for people different from myself," and urged the people of New Jersey to remember "my strong record of cutting funds for schools and the elderly."
While Mr. Christie might try to regain his fellow Republicans' trust by vetoing more assault-rifle bans, G.O.P. strategist Tracy Klugian says that the governor does not deserve another chance, citing his "dangerous flirtations with compassion" in the past.
"After Hurricane Sandy, Chris Christie worried a lot of us with his recklessly sensitive behavior," says Mr. Klugian. "But we really thought he had put this problem behind him."
Mr. Christie's latest empathy scandal has left Mr. Klugian, like many other Republicans, shaking his head: "It's sad to see such a promising career end this way. But maybe this will force him to get the help he needs."