Thursday, November 8, 2012

Something to Know - 9 November


1.  As we go about our business these days and going forward, you may see distressed individuals who have grave anti-social tendencies - they do not trust anyone.  Such is the the belief of the individual who wrote this piece.   Some people seem to forget that we had to endure a time in life (like November of 2004), when we had misgivings about life and where we were going.  We made it through those years, and the country was worse off for it, but we muddled on.   So, have sympathy on these detached souls.  It won't do any good to tell them that the political agenda that they once cherished is now irrelevant, and will never return.  They will have to learn this on their own.  We have our own work to do:

2.  As the Republican Party goes about the business of rebuilding itself and finding a relevant direction, the same must be said for Fox News.   Nothing is worse than watching a bunch of angry old conservatives cry in their beer:

3.  Even in the Reddest of the Red in the Congressional District in Georgia where the anti-science incumbent Paul Broun was up for office, his opposition was mainly from 4,000 write in votes for Charles Darwin.  Ya gotta hand it to those progressives in his district who know how to piss against the wind in a knowing losing cause:

4.  Our ever alert and astoundingly gifted former 43rd president made a boo boo when he voted.  He actually voted for Obama, and was caught by a voter in the next booth.  I don't know if this survives Snope, but it makes for a good read, and it is plausible when you consider the situation and character involved:


To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates 
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give 
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You 
should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over 
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she 
does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor 
for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be 
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules 
are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' 
without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced 
by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your 
vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of 
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft 
know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take 
into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or 
therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows 
that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for 
shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or 
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more 
dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if 
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start 
driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will 
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion 
tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the 
British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been 
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries 
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are 
properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and 
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer 
at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, 
and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 
Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound 
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all 
can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good 
guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play 
English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in 
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears 
removed  with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of 
proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in 
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or 
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host 
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside 
of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your 
borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will 
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their 


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies 
due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, 
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus 
strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!


"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." 
       -- Mitch Hedberg
"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience." 
       -- Stanislaw J. Lec
"Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything." 
       -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." 
       -- Don Marquis
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." 
       -- Mark Twain

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