Juan
-- W.H. Auden
-- Jimmy Buffett
-- Nikita Khrushchev
-- Firesign Theatre
-- Elayne Boosler
KETTERING, Ohio (The Borowitz Report)—Hitting the campaign trail one day after the arrival of Superstorm Sandy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney tweaked his position on abortion today, saying he now supports it in cases where it makes people vote for him.
"I would make an exception for abortion in cases where the life of my campaign is at stake," he told a crowd in Kettering, Ohio.
Sandy, which slammed into the East Coast last night, was such a powerful weather system that it prevented Mr. Romney from changing his position on abortion for twenty-four hours.
"It was important for Mitt to come up with a new position on abortion today," said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. "It sends a message to the American people that in the aftermath of Sandy, things are getting back to normal."
Mr. Romney made no reference to his comments about eliminating FEMA, which have been declared a disaster area.
CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—The threat of Hurricane Sandy has forced Republican nominee Mitt Romney's campaign to move its lying efforts from states in the path of the storm to others beyond the hurricane's reach.
Starting yesterday, the Romney campaign began reallocating lies originally intended for Virginia to other swing states such as Ohio and Wisconsin, the campaign confirmed today.
"An emergency situation like this really tests how good your ground game is," said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "Fortunately, we have liars in all fifty states."
But even as the Romney campaign expressed outward confidence about its ability to maintain an uninterrupted flow of whoppers, some Republicans privately feared that a major power outage could disrupt its ability to lie, distort, and exaggerate in the crucial days ahead.
"If Fox News gets knocked off the air in some of these states, we're certainly going to be down a quart in terms of falsehoods," one insider said.
But according to Vice-Presidential nominee Paul Ryan, who has been central to the campaign's lying efforts, the severe weather is a challenge that "separates the men from the boys."
"They're expecting winds of up to seventy miles per hour," he told reporters. "Fortunately, I can run eighty miles per hour."
In Indiana, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock weighed in on the approaching storm: "It says a lot about God that while he's so busy impregnating women he still somehow finds the time to make a hurricane."
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